Montessori at Home Archives - Greenspring Montessori School

Connection Before Correction: The Heart of Partnership Discipline

One of the most powerful principles in partnership-based discipline is simple, but transformative:

Connection before correction.

When our children exhibit challenging behaviors, our instinct is often to correct first. We want to change the behavior, teach the lesson, and restore order. But neuroscience — and experience — tell us that correction without connection rarely works.

If we want children to listen, learn, and grow, we must first help them feel safe, seen, and understood.

The Reactive Brain vs. the Receptive Brain

When a child is overwhelmed, frustrated, embarrassed, or angry, their brain shifts into survival mode. Cortisol — the “fight, flight, or freeze” hormone — floods the system. In that state:

Logical thinking shuts down
Listening decreases
Learning stops

Research shows it can take at least 20 minutes for cortisol levels to return to baseline. During that time, reasoning, lecturing, and consequences are largely ineffective.

A child cannot access their receptive brain until they feel regulated. And regulation begins with connection.

Connection Strategy #1: Communicate Comfort

Before you say a word about behavior, communicate safety with your presence.

Get at (or slightly below) your child’s eye level
Assume a relaxed, open body posture
Use nonverbal signals – a soft facial expression, a gentle nod, perhaps a reassuring touch

Your nervous system can help calm theirs. When you lower your intensity, you invite them to lower theirs. Often, this shift alone begins to bring the reactive brain back toward receptivity.

Connection Strategy #2: Validate

Validation does not mean agreeing with behavior. It means acknowledging feelings.

Start by naming what you see: “It looks like you may be feeling frustrated.”

Then normalize the experience: “I’ve felt that way before.”

When children hear that their emotions make sense, their defenses soften. They no longer have to fight to prove their experience is real. Validation builds trust.

Connection Strategy #3: Listen

Once your child feels seen, invite them to share more. “Tell me more.” or “Can you help me understand…?”

Then — and this is the hardest part — stop talking. Resist the urge to interrupt, fix, or correct. Truly listen.

Listening communicates respect. And respect strengthens connection.

Connection Strategy #4: Reflect Back

After listening, reflect what you heard: “I hear you saying that you’re upset because you didn’t get a turn. Is that right?”

Reflection shows your child that their words mattered enough to be heard carefully. It also gives them a chance to clarify. When children feel accurately understood, their brains shift further into receptivity.

Once Your Child’s Brain Is Receptive

Now — and only now — is it time for guidance.

Connection first does not mean lowering expectations. It does not mean removing boundaries. You can still:

Hold the limit
Maintain the expectation
Follow through consistently

But now you can do so in a way that teaches rather than triggers.

Invite your child into problem-solving. Ask if they’d like help brainstorming solutions. When children participate in generating ideas, they are far more likely to own them.

Correction after connection becomes collaboration.

What If Your Child’s Brain Still Isn’t Receptive?

Sometimes even connection doesn’t immediately bring regulation. That’s okay.

Two powerful options remain:

Give more time.
You can say, “Let’s talk about this again later,” and revisit the conversation once emotions have settled — even the next day if needed.

Give space.
Let your child know, “I’m here when you’re ready.”
Then allow them the dignity of calming down in their own way.

Connection does not demand instant resolution. It communicates steady presence.

The Bigger Picture

Children don’t learn best when they feel threatened. They learn best when they feel safe.

Connection is not permissiveness. It is preparation. When we connect first, we are not excusing behavior — we are preparing the brain for growth. And in doing so, we move from power struggles to partnership. From control to collaboration. From reaction to relationship.

Connection before correction isn’t just a strategy. It’s a shift in mindset — one that builds trust, resilience, and lasting influence.

Would you like to learn more about Partnership Discipline?

No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson

Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom by Jane Nelsen & Chip DeLorenzo

The Gifts of Summer

The Gifts of Summer

The summer break provides unique challenges but also unique opportunities for unstructured time, including the freedom to explore outdoors, as well as building independence, and meaningful contributions.

Unstructured Time

While it’s tempting to schedule the summer with back-to-back camps, lessons, and playdates, children benefit from free time as well. When we over-schedule activities, we actually rob the brain of essential downtime and opportunities for creative thinking associated with the wandering mind. Try allowing for some blocks of unscheduled time this summer.

Here are just a few of the brain benefits of boredom:

Recharge. Downtime allows our children to recover from “cognitive overload” and to recharge executive functioning skills.
Imagination and creativity. The latest research shows that our brain doesn’t go into a lower gear when we aren’t focused on something. Instead, the activity shifts to the imagination and creativity parts of the brain.
Problem solving skills. When children engage in open ended projects, they encounter unforeseen challenges and must develop their problem solving skills.
Confidence and grit. Confidence and grit aren’t developed by things coming easily. They come from children overcoming worthy challenges.

“Children need to sit in their own boredom for the world to become quiet enough that they can hear themselves.” – Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

When your child proclaims, “I’m bored!” try to avoid rushing in with an organized activity. Instead, create space and time for children to come up with their own ideas for what to do next. This may mean having some materials around to prime the creative pump. For young children these materials can be as simple as sticks, paint, and cardboard! What they do next is up to them. Consider setting aside some time with your child to create a list of activities they enjoy and some fun-sounding challenges or longer-term projects. Then when they need something to do, you can suggest they choose something from the list you brainstormed together. Remember, building any new skills takes practice. Allowing time for free play throughout the year will help your child learn how to make their own fun. Think of it as creating “boredomtunity” for your child.

Freedom to Explore Outdoors

Encourage your child to spend unstructured time outside. Not only does “green time” promote better physical health (immune function, heart health, Vitamin D production, better sleep), it promotes better mental health (reduced stress levels and lower levels of stress hormones). There are also cognitive benefits, including improvements to short-term memory, attention, and learning. Finally, “green time” invites exploration and curiosity about the natural world and gives children the opportunity to take healthy risks that build problem solving skills and perseverance.

Sarah Milligan-Toffler and Richard Louv of the Children & Nature Network write, “In a brief integrative review of the research [researchers] found that time in nature produces positive shifts occur in perseverance, problem-solving, critical thinking, leadership, teamwork, and resilience—skills that are essential in overcoming the unprecedented challenges we face today.”

time to wander

time to explore

time to think

Whether it’s digging in the dirt, taking a walk in the park, or having a picnic in the backyard, time outside is a gift to your child.

Building Independence

For some of us, our instinct is to try to make life “easier” for our child. But by removing obstacles, we are actually taking away opportunities for children to learning new skills and overcome worthy challenges. For example, it may take much longer for a young child to zip up her own coat, but when time allows, give her the opportunity to try. If she begins to get frustrated, provide the minimal amount of help needed (such as holding the bottom of the coat to create tension, while the child pulls up the zipper). Children build self-confidence by accomplishing difficult tasks. Your child’s mantra can become, “I can do hard things!”

Allowing a child to do things for herself may require some support. Consider providing a stool at the bathroom sink so the child can reach the faucet to wash her hands. Consider putting out a small pitcher of water and a small glass so she can help herself when she is thirsty. If dishes, napkins, and silverware are placed in a lower cabinet, the child can help set the table for a meal. You can revisit our blog post titled The Montessori Home for more ideas on how to set up each area of your home (kitchen, playroom, bathroom, and bedroom) to support your child’s independence.

As you observe your child, you may notice that he or she needs a new skill. This is an opportunity for you to give your child a lesson! Here’s how you can do it:

Invite your child to see something new & name the lesson: “I am going to show you how to wash your hands. I’ll have a turn and then you’ll have a turn.”)
Demonstrate slowly and precisely
Follow a clear sequence
Do not talk while you are demonstrating
Use eye contact and a smile between steps
“Now it’s your turn! And anytime you want to have clean hands, you can practice!”

“The only way to build self-esteem is through overcoming worthy challenges.” – Joanne Deak, PhD

Making Meaningful Contributions

Not every free day needs to involve a trip to the zoo. Many times, children want to do what you are doing! You can invite your child to work with you in the garden, prepare a meal, or wash the car. You may need to provide child-size tools for some of these activities, such as a small watering can or acrylic knife, so that your child can participate fully.

Research indicates that those children who do have a set of chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, and are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school. (Center for Parenting Education) Check out our blog post titled Children as Contributing Members of the Home for a list of age-appropriate chores your child can do. And please don’t swoop in as soon as the work is hard. Let your child experience challenges and overcome them!

watering plants

cooking

walking the dog

When we allow children opportunities to make meaningful contributions to the family and the greater community, we help build their resilience, perseverance, grit, and self-esteem. What greater gifts are there?

All of these pieces – unstructured time, enjoying the outdoors, building independence, and making meaningful contributions – are the ingredients for an exciting and fulfilling summer!

Working Toward Toileting Independence

Toilet training is adult-led and on the adults’ time. Toilet learning involves the child in the learning process. This is their big work.

“Learning to use the toilet is a natural process that begins when your child’s desire to be grown up and his neurological development have reached the point where he can control his bladder and bowels. We don’t train children to use the toilet, we support them when they are ready.” (Tim Seldin, Author of How to Raise an Amazing Child: The Montessori Way to Bring Up Caring Confident Children)

Exposure: The Earlier the Better

During Infancy

Talking about toileting and using bathroom
Use correct anatomical language
Learn to recognize when infants need to “go”
Have infants sit on potty chair (or at least have one out) so that they get familiar with it

At 12 months

Get your child familiar with the tools used in toileting (like a potty chair)
Work on dressing skills – being able to get pants on and off, pulled down and up independently
Start watching for signs of readiness. Toilet learning is easiest before 24 months (when the full self-will develops).

Choice of Diapers

Disposable diapers is the most commonly used
The use of cloth diapers (if a you go that route) allows a child to experience the wetness, allowing for earlier toilet-learning
Pull-ups are not recommended – they are just like diapers and will only prolong the toilet learning process

Signs of Readiness

Interested in the toilet
Seeking privacy to go to the bathroom in his/her diaper
Will sit willing on the toilet – this should not be a battle
Will void into the toilet – becoming aware that they are emptying their bladder

Preparing the Environment

Select an area of the house that includes a bathroom. Either select a tiled area or roll up the rugs. Invite your child to help you set up the area.

Supplies needed:

Potty chair and/or potty seat adapter (attaches to the adult toilet seat)
Step stool to toilet
Step stool to sink
Liquid hand soap they can easily use
Basket of clean underwear
Basket of clean rags
Spray bottle that your child can operate independently
Timer
Basket of books, games, things to do (could be special items that can only be used when sitting on the toilet)

Preparing Your Child

When the child is able to stand, change her diaper with her standing up; she can help
Whenever you can, empty the contents of the diaper into the toilet and let the child watch you do it
Take him/her to pick out underwear
Underwear should be thin – not training pants
Tell your child ahead of time that you will be switching to underwear on __ day. Count down to this day (mark on a calendar, talk about it at dinner, etc.)
Maintain a calm, yet excited demeanor (no pressure)

Practicing

Let your child know when the big day has arrived! Enjoy lots of extra beverages to encourage practice.

Use the mantra, “We want to keep our underwear dry.”
Have your child sit on the toilet for a minute or two
Talk with him/her about the feeling of going to the bathroom. “Do you feel any urine in your bladder?

Always offer a choice!

“Would you like to sit on the potty or the toilet?”
“Would you like to select your underwear or would you like me to pick it?”

Try Using a Timer

Set the timer to remind you and your child to go and sit on the toilet
Start with setting the timer for every 20/30 minutes
As they stay drier longer, you can start stretching the time
Do not ask if they have to go – they will tell you no – they will not want to stop what they are doing in that moment
They WILL NOT tell you when they have to go!
Keep it very matter-of-fact. “It’s time to use the toilet.”

The Following Days

Keeping the schedule consistent is key
Take a potty in the trunk of the car or limit outings to 1 hour
Go to the bathroom before each trip out
Go to the bathroom immediately upon arrival
Go again before leaving
Go again immediately when arriving at home

Accidents

Continue to talk/ask about how his/her body feels -but do not hover- remember that mistakes happen and that is how they learn. They need to feel that they are in control of their bodies and this big work
Ask, “Are your underwear dry or wet?” (brings attention to this)
When your child wets or has a bowel movement in their underwear – don’t overreact! It’s best to stay calm and try not to reference it as an “accident.” Just simply state the obvious – “you wet/soiled your underwear” “now it’s time to get cleaned up.”

Celebrating Successes

When successful, describe the success. “You went to the bathroom in the toilet!” “You sat on the toilet and peed!”
Avoid using bribery like stickers or candy. Toileting is something we all do. Children do not need praise for toileting.
Celebrate victories with your child – but do not make your love conditional on success.

Suggested Schedule (Post Training)

Daytime:

Right when they get up
Right before meals
Right after meals
Right before bath
Right before bed
Before going out in car
Upon arrival at new destination

Nighttime:

Parent choice: toilet-learning happens faster when nighttime is done at the same time, but it’s also ok to focus on daytime success first before tackling overnights

Please coordinate with your child’s Guide. This process will go more smoothly when you work in partnership!

Resources

Toilet Awareness: Using Montessori Philosophy to Create a Potty Learning Routine by Sarah Moudry

Montessori from the Start: The Child at Home, From Birth to Age Three by Paula Polk Lillard & Lynn Lillard Jessen

Diaper Free Before Three by Jill M. Lecovic

Danuta Wilson, Toddler Guide and Team Leader at Greenspring Montessori School, presents on toilet learning at home the Montessori way.

Building Partnership through Family Meetings

Family meetings provide a dedicated space for open communication, allowing family members to discuss issues, make decisions together, strengthen relationships, and build a sense of unity by sharing concerns, celebrating achievements, and setting expectations, all while fostering important life skills.

Benefits of Family Meetings

For children, family meetings promote:

Critical thinking
Active listening
Brainstorming skills
Problem solving
Mutual respect
A sense of belonging and significance

For parents, family meetings:

Avoid power struggles
Avoid micromanaging
Invite children to share responsibility
Allow you to model skills you want children to learn

Keep a notebook in a central area of the home, so issues that come up during the week can be recorded in real time and then used during the family meeting.

The family meeting is optional, but choosing not to participate means missing out on problem solving, offering suggestions for family outings, and receiving weekly allowance.

Family Meeting Agenda

Give Acknowledgments
Review Old Agreements
Discuss New Issues
Make New Agreements
Review the Schedule
Do Banking
Create a Family Outing Plan

Give Acknowledgments

Each person acknowledges everyone else. Acknowledgments are different than thank-yous; they focus on something about the person’s character.

Review Old Agreements

Review last week’s agreements. How did these work? Any there any revisions needed? If so, write these down in the notebook.

Discuss New Issues

No judgement, no criticism. Everyone is on the same team, committed to finding solutions. Everyone contributes. (Parents, be careful not to brush off children’s solutions.)

Make New Agreements

What are the agreements we are going to make to support the solving of the issues? Write them in the notebook.

Review the Schedule

Discuss the schedule for the week. What activities are scheduled? Are there any special events? Resolve any logistics that need to be handled.

Do Banking

Allowance is distributed. Allowance is not tied to chores, but rather to participatioin in the family meeting. Any debts acrued over the past week are paid.

Create a Family Outing Plan

Brainstorm ideas for fun activities to do as a family.Everyone gets a voice.(Parents, establish parameters – how much time, how much money, etc.)

Tips for a Successful Family Meeting

When first starting this structure, introduce and practice just one step of the process each week. In less than two months time, your family will be ready to implement the full family meeting structure.

Encourage participation by creating a safe space where everyone can share their thoughts and feelings. Set guidelines for discussion, such as taking turns speaking without interruption.

Meet at a consistent time that works for your family; weekly or bimonthly is recommended.

Rotate responsibilities so everyone gets a turn to play the different roles. For young children, props can be used to designate each of the roles.

Facilitator (talking stick)
Recorder (notebook and pencil)
Banker (coin purse or money jar)
Time Keeper (stopwatch)

Would you like to give family meetings a try? Check out some of the resources below to help you get started!

Resources for Empowering and Partnering with your Child

Active Listening Worksheet

Empowering and Partnering with your Child Through the Adolescent Years Powerpoint

Family Meeting Album from positivediscipline.com

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World by Kristen Welch

The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money by Ron Lieber

Duct Tape Parenting by Vick Hoefle

Whether you have a five-year-old or a fifteen-year-old, you can find easy ways to create partnerships at home. During this webinar, you will learn steps to implement structures around family meetings, active listening, and allowances – all designed to support you and your child or adolescent in your partnership at home.

Setting Up a Montessori Playroom in your Home

For children birth – age 10

Whether you have a one year old or an eight year old, you might be familiar with an explosion of toys in your home. If you are dreaming of ways to streamline your living spaces, keep your children engaged, and encourage a sense of order, take a look at these recommendations for setting up a Montessori-inspired play space.

Setting up a Montessori-inspired playroom does not require a great deal of time or expense. The goal is simply to create a space that encourages independence and concentration in your child. As your child grows, the space will need to evolve to fit their needs, but the guiding principles remain the same. Here are some key components to keep in mind:

Provide varied workspaces

The furniture in Montessori spaces is child-sized and the materials are kept on low shelves so that the child can access them independently. If you have the space at home, it’s ideal to include a child-size table and chairs, an open space allowing for movement and large floor work, and a safe cozy spot for resting or recovering from an upsetting moment. Providing your child with a space that they can navigate independently allows for them to feel empowered without the intervention of adults.

Limit choices (and rotate toys)

To help your child be successful in the space, consider reducing the number of toys available. If your child is having trouble cleaning up their toys, it could be a good sign that they are overwhelmed by the number of toys that are available. You may use a small shelving unit with two or three shelves and just a few items on each shelf. Putting out just a few toys at once, and rotating them regularly, allows your child to focus on what’s available. Also, rotating toys will rekindle your child’s interest in older toys that they haven’t seen for a while. When a toy has remained on the shelf for a whole week untouched, you know it’s time to put it away and put out something different.

This is as true for toddlers as it is for elementary-aged children! Older children may be interested in choosing what should go on the shelf and what can be stored for the time being. Older children can also help decide how many toys should be out at once and when it’s time to rotate.

Choose toys that invite purposeful play

While there is no need to fill your playroom with “academic” work, you can select toys that help your child develop in different ways.

You might think about including a variety of toys that focus on the following:

Developing fine motor (small muscles) skills – such as Playdough, stacking toys, or a screwdriver set
Developing gross motor (big muscles) skills – such as a balance board or Pikler triangle
Art and music – xylophone or bells, paper and crayons
Books – take a look at our Bookshop page for recommendations by age!
Open-ended toys for creative play – blocks, legos, or magnetiles

It’s also important to include toys that offer a varying degree of difficulty. You want a mix of challenging toys and things that are easy and familiar for your child to play with when they need a mental break. Studies suggest that battery operated toys that light up and make noises are designed to entertain and do not foster a child’s development of concentration. Open-ended toys that engage rather than entertain will encourage creativity and concentration in your child.

Include nature

If possible, choose a room with natural light. House plants offer children a chance to take care of something, as well as add natural beauty to the room. Young children also love watching fish or other pets and they can learn to help feed and care for them as well. You might also consider setting up an outdoor play area where your child can dig in the dirt, water plants, enjoy sand and water play, and do messy art projects.

Every item has its place

Children have a sensitive period for order from birth through age five, peaking in early toddlerhood. You can see this through young children’s love for routine and repetition. Montessori environments support this desire for order by designating a specific spot for each material. In a play area, instead of a big toy bin full of many things, each toy has a space where it belongs on a shelf. Toys with multiple pieces, like blocks or play animals, can be organized in small baskets or trays on the shelf. You can even attach photos to each bin or shelf so that the child knows exactly where each toy belongs.

Provide a simple and beautiful space

Montessori spaces use more neutral colors and have very little hanging on the walls. What is displayed on the walls is carefully chosen and hanging at the child’s eye level. When choosing decor, choose artwork that is simple and thought-provoking for the child. Framed art hung at the child’s level can offer a peaceful feel to the space. Natural materials such as wood or wicker also offer a warmth and sensorial experience for the child. The goal is to reduce the visual stimulation of the environment so that the child will be attracted to the materials and be able to concentrate on their play and development.

Give it a try!

This might seem like a lot to think about, but you can pick and choose what works for your child and your home. You can experiment over time to see what works best. One of the most important pieces of Montessori philosophy is to take time to step back and observe. What do you notice your child is drawn to? Are there any spaces in the room that they are not able to access on their own? Feel free to “break the rules” and try new things in your space!

Photographs by Jen Snyder

A Montessori Play Area

Greetings from Florida! For those of you who don’t know me, I was a Lower Elementary guide and then the Director of Admissions at Greenspring before moving to Florida. I began this series on Montessori in the Home to help parents find creative ways to implement Montessori practices at home. My daughter, Lila, just turned four. Her play space has evolved since she was an infant, but the guiding principles remain the same.

Setting up a Montessori-inspired play space at home does not require a great deal of time or expense. The goal is simply to create a space that encourages independence and concentration. Here are some key components to keep in mind:

Simplify: Montessori spaces use more neutral colors and have very little (or nothing) hanging on the walls. What is displayed on the walls is carefully chosen and hanging at the child’s eye level. The goal is to reduce the visual stimulation of the environment, so that the child will be attracted to the materials (toys) and be able to concentrate on her work (play).

A sample play space for a young toddler A sample play space for a six year old

Reduce: Consider reducing the number of toys available. You may use a small shelving unit with two or three shelves and just a few items on each shelf. Putting out just a few toys at once, and rotating them regularly, allows your child to focus on what’s available. Also, rotating toys will rekindle your child’s interest in older toys that they haven’t seen for a while. When a toy has remained on the shelf for a whole week untouched, you know it’s time to put it away and put out something different.

Organize: Children have a sensitive period for order from birth through age five, peaking in early toddlerhood. You can see this through young children’s love for routine and repetition. Young children are most comfortable when their physical environments are orderly. Montessori environments support this desire for order by designating a specific spot for each material. In a play area, instead of a big toy bins full of many unrelated things, each toy has a space where it belongs on a shelf. Toys with multiple pieces, like blocks or play animals, can be organized in small baskets or trays on the shelf. You can even attach photos to each bin or shelf so that the child knows exactly where each toy belongs.

Provide varied work spaces: The furniture in Montessori classrooms is child-sized and the materials are kept on low shelves so that the child can access them independently. If you have the space at home, it’s ideal to include a child-size table and chair(s), an open space allowing for movement and large floor work, and a cozy spot for resting or recovering from an upsetting moment.

Include nature: If possible, choose a room with natural light. House plants offer children a chance to take care of something, as well as adding natural beauty to the room. Young children also love watching fish or other pets and older children can help feed and care for them as well. You might also consider setting up an outdoor play area where your child can dig in the dirt, water plants, enjoy sand and water play, and do messy art projects.

Choose toys carefully: While there is no need to fill your home with “academic” work, you can select toys that help your child develop in different ways. You might think about including toys that develop fine motor (small muscles), gross motor (big muscles), art and music, books, and open-ended items (like blocks) for creative play. It’s also important to include toys that offer a varying degree of difficulty. You want a mix of challenging toys and things that are easy and familiar for her to play with when she needs a mental break. Open-ended toys that engage rather than entertain (such as those that light up or make noises) will encourage creativity and concentration.

Give it a try! This might seem like a lot to think about, but you can pick and choose what works for your child and your home. I feel free to “break the rules.” I still keep all of Lila’s stuffed animals in one large bin. And though most gifts made of plastic or requiring batteries “disappear” after a few days, a few favorites have been allowed to stay. And despite my best intentions, getting Lila interested in “clean up time” is still a constant struggle. So don’t be too hard on yourself. Just have fun with it!

*By the way, you don’t need to spend a lot of money on toys, especially for young children. These have been some of Lila’s favorites over the years:

Scooping jingle bells into a metal muffin tin, posting poker chips into a coffee can, and posting ping pong balls through a paper towel tube.

As a toddler, Lila enjoyed the sound that polished stones made when dropped into a glass bowl; later she enjoyed sorting them by size and color; now she is interested in rocks and minerals.

Lila keeps a collection of natural treasures; recyclable materials make wonderful art supplies. Now Lila stops me on the way to the recycling bin and says, “Wait, we can make art with that!”

I have also written about setting up a Montessori kitchen, Montessori bedroom and a Montessori bathroom. Questions, comments, suggestions? Email me at mjarrell@greenspringmontessori.org.

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