As busy parents, it is often tempting to tell children what they need to do and how to do it. What if, however, we take the time to use language that creates opportunities for children to feel empowered, useful, and connected? Children can then learn and discover what to do versus being told what to do (which can lead to all kinds of resistance and power struggles).
“When kids feel competent, they become happier kids, kids who are are more open to learning, and kids who invite future learning challenges. Isn’t that what we all want?”
Linda K. Murphy, MS, CCC-SLP
Author of Declarative Language Handbook
Imperative vs. Declarative Language
Simply put, imperative language requires a response. It does not invite learning or problem solving. And for some children, including neurodiverse children, imperative language can induce anxiety and activate the fight, flight, or freeze response.
Examples of imperative language:
Asking direct questions:
“What did you do at school today?”
“Did you finish your homework?”
Giving commands:
“Put your shoes on.”
“It’s time to brush your teeth.”
“Say goodbye to grandma.”
On the other hand, declarative language does not require a response. Its purpose is to share information, which then invites the child to engage in learning and problem solving on their own terms.
Examples of declarative language:
“I remember you said there was going to be a field trip today. I’m curious what you thought about it.”
“I wonder what you have for homework tonight.”
“The bus will arrive in five minutes. Let’s think about what we need to do to be ready.”
“It looks like grandma is getting ready to leave.”
Benefits of Using Declarative Language
• Creates positive connections with your child
• Reduces anxiety and defensiveness
• Avoids power struggles
• Allows your child to grow their independence
• Creates opportunities for your child to solve problems
• Invites your child to be open to new experiences and view points
• Increases your child’s self awareness
• Empowers your child to self-advocate
Types of Declarative Language
Sharing Feelings or Experiences
“I loved that movie. My favorite part was…”
“I am hungry for pizza.”
Commenting (rather than asking)
“I see a full moon!”
“I smell cinnamon rolls baking.”
“I notice the other children are playing tag.”
Observing (rather than directing)
“The dog looks hungry.”
“Brrr…it’s very cold this morning.”
“Huh, I see dirty clothes on the floor.”
Thinking Aloud (modeling curiosity and problem solving)
“I’m curious about why the grass is wet this morning.”
“I wonder what would happen if we tried…”
Introducing Possibilities & Alternatives
“Maybe your friend wants to play, too.”
“We are stuck in traffic. I wonder if there is another way to go.”
“We think differently about that!”
Modeling a Growth Mindset
“Oops, I took a wrong turn. I need to turn around. That’s ok, we’ll still get where we need to be.”
“Oh man! I just spilled the milk. It’s ok. I’ll just grab a paper towel.”
Using Pronouns that Invite Partnership
“Let’s go take a look!”
“Our friends are waiting for us.”
Tips for Parents
Keep your tone genuine and curious, not corrective.
Don’t forget to speak slowly and then pause after your statement. This type of language requires time to process it, think about it, and to decide how to respond.
You can provide additional scaffolding if needed. For example, after saying, “I see trash on the floor,” you could add, “The trash can is right over here.”
“Declarative language is a powerful, but underused strategy. What we say and how we say it matters.”
Linda K. Murphy, MS, CCC-SLP
Author of Declarative Language Handbook
Sources
Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K. Murphy
https://www.declarativelanguage.com
