Modeling Grace and Courtesy

April 6, 2017

Written by Terriann Lane, Children’s House Guide

“A child is an eager observer and is particularly attracted by the actions of the adults and wants to imitate them. In this regard, an adult can have a kind of mission. He can be an inspiration for the child’s actions, a kind of open book, wherein a child can learn how to direct his own movements.” – Dr. Maria Montessori

Recently, I read an article titled, “Grace and Courtesy Beyond Please and Thank You.”  The author shared an experience during a hotel stay that left her awestruck.  An incident occurred that involved teenagers who chose to trash their hotel rooms, blast loud music, and run wild in the hallways, while unattended by their parents.  The housekeeping staff was overwhelmed by the disaster created by the teens’ behaviors.  The author wondered why and how the teenagers considered their actions to be appropriate behavior?

As a parent, I can presume that it is important to parents that their children learn to be kind, polite, considerate of others, and mindful of their actions.  Consider the actions of the teenagers.  What can we do as parents to instill appropriate social behaviors in our children?  Society offers innumerable examples of antisocial and pro-social behaviors.  Therefore, the onus is on us to model behaviors beyond please and thank you.

Children learn from those within their environments.  Therefore, it is important to demonstrate grace and courtesy to children all of the time.  Modeling behaviors in preparation for or in response to specific situations helps the children to practice new skills to use later when interacting with others and caring for environments.  As adults, we must do what we expect the children to do and never model what we do not want them to do.  Demonstrating grace and courtesy should be true, brief, and shown as many times as necessary until the child repeats the skill.

P. Donahue Shortridge wrote, “So if there is anything you want your child to know how to do, or a way you want him or her to behave, you should first model it, then show him or her how to do it, offer lots
 of opportunities for practice, and finally, hold the child accountable.  First, modeling: In the early years of life, we learn mostly by taking 
in the sensorial impressions of the world around us.  A series of neural connections helps us imprint that which we see.  The child watches what other people do and attempts to do it, too. ”  If we want our child to wait his or her turn to speak, stay seated at the dinner table, say thank you in response to being helped, say excuse me when interrupting, help someone who is need of assistance, and know how to conduct him/herself in a restaurant, grocery store, or at a hotel, we must set the example and model the behaviors.

There are many opportunities to provide examples.  Modeling should be demonstrated daily, naturally, habitually, slowly, and simply.  Parents can demonstrate how to push one’s chair under the table after being excused from the dinner table, return an object to its original location, hang a wet towel to dry after use or place a soiled towel in a clothes hamper, hold a door for someone carrying a load, etc.

Taking the time to model and practice social protocols and good manners, as well as holding children accountable, will empower them to respond appropriately to specific situations and encourage self-discipline.

Parent Challenge: Choose one behavior you would like to model for your child.  (For example, placing a hand on a family member’s arm rather than interrupting.)  First, invite your child to try something new.  Your child will pick up on the excitement in your voice.  With as few words as possible and moving slowly and carefully, demonstrate the way you wish your child to wait. Then invite your child to try it! Your child may wish to give a lesson to another family member.  She may also enjoy role-playing scenarios of how to do this and how not to do this correctly.  Switch roles and have fun!

Reference:  Shortbridge, P. Donohue. “Grace and Courtesy Beyond Please and Thank You.” Montessori Life, Spring 2016.

Margaret Jarrell

Margaret Jarrell has a long history with Greenspring Montessori School. She was a Guide in our Lower Elementary program for five years before joining the Senior Administrative Team in 2013. Though she now works remotely from Florida, Margaret continues to be integral member of the Greenspring family. Her newest adventure is serving as the Director of the Greenspring Center for Lifelong Learning, whose mission is elevating and supporting the emerging generation of Montessori educators, leaders, and schools. Learn more about Margaret.

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