You may have heard your child’s Guide talk about the importance of offering children encouragement rather than praise. But why is that important? And what does that look like in real life?

Why It’s Important

For the past ten years, psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia (she’s now at Stanford) studied the effect of praise on students (preschool to graduate school) and found that praise has these negative outcomes:

• Children become more cautious, more likely to avoid challenges
• Causes them to lose interest
• Encourages competition among children
• Motivation shifts from internal to external (creating “praise junkies”)
• Children more likely to think that intelligence or talent is something you either have or don’t have (fixed mindset)
• Reduced their achievement

While well-intentioned, it is clear that praise can have some unintended negative consequences.

What You Can Do Instead

In his article, Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”, Alfie Kohn suggests:

Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be “reinforced” because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.

Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement (“You put your shoes on by yourself” or even just “You did it”) tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: “This mountain is huge!” “Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!”

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: “Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack.” This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking “What was the hardest part to draw?” or “How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?” is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying “Good job!”, may have exactly the opposite effect. 

What is Encouragement?

While praise includes value judgements that can make children dependent on external validation, encouragment focuses on the child’s efforts and contributions, fostering motivation that comes from within.

In their book Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom, Jane Nelson and Chip DeLorenzo write about encouragement that it:

Focuses on the process. “I notice that you sketched first and then painted. Tell me more about that.”

Focuses on effort. “You must have worked really hard on this.”

Connects a child’s effort with the result. “You have been spending a lot of time on memorizing your math facts. I notice that your long division is taking much less time now.”

Focuses on the deed, not the doer. “You reached your goal. Congratulations!”

Focuses on improvement. “Look how far you’ve come!”

Focuses on trust. “I trust your judgement.”

The long term effect of encouragement is that children become more independent, motivated, and self-evaluative.

Examples

Instead of saying, “I’m so proud of you.” Try, “This was hard for you, but you stuck with it.” or “You must be so proud of yourself.”

Instead of saying, “You are so smart.” Try, “You figured it out.”

Instead of saying, “Good job!” Try, “You reached your goal!” or “You did it!”

Instead of saying, “This is a great report.” Try, “You must have worked really hard on this.”

Instead of saying, “I love it!” Try asking, “What do you think about it?” or “Tell me about your picture.”

You May Be Thinking…

This feels strange! These comments are cheesy! Will my child respond to encouragement?

Alfie Kohn writes, “It can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praising; it can feel as though you’re being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it. Whenever that’s true, it’s time to rethink what we’re doing.

What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. “Good job!” is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.”

Encouragement is powerful! It’s all in your tone and level of interest. If you are fully present, make eye contact, smile, and show genuine interest, this is much more powerful than a simple compliment.

Are all compliments harmful?

No! This doesn’t mean that all compliments are harmful. Just be mindful of your long-term goals and notice the effects of what you say.

Where do I start?

Just changing the words “I like” to “I notice” is one easy shift from praise to encouragement. 

Want to Learn More?

Articles:
Five Reasons to Stop Saying Good Job, Alfie Kohn, 2001
How Not to Talk to Your Kids by Po Bronson, New York Magazine, 2007
The Difference between Praise and Encouragement by Vicki Hoefle, PBS Kids, 2015

Books:
Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, 2018
The Perils and Promises of Praise by Carol Dweck (Chapter 7 of On Formative Assessment: Readings from Educational Leadership), 2016

Children’s Books:
Your Fantastic Elastic Brain: A Growth Mindset Book for Kids to Stretch and Shape Their Brains
by JoAnn Deak Ph.D. & Sarah Ackerley
Good Night to Your Fantastic Elastic Brain: A Growth Mindset Bedtime Book for Kids by JoAnn Deak & Terrence Deak
The Owner’s Manual for Driving Your Adolescent Brain: A Growth Mindset and Brain Development Book for Young Teens and Their Parents by JoAnn Deak & Terrence Deak

Websites for Parents:
Growth Mindset Institute https://www.growthmindsetinstitute.org
Positive Discipline https://www.positivediscipline.com

Websites for Teachers:
Mindset Works https://www.mindsetworks.com
Positive Discipline for the Montessori Classrsoom https://chipdelorenzo.com